12/29/2015

This Christmas was... I don't even know.

I've probably known for a long time now but my dad is emotionally abusive and this was confirmed by word of mouth by my sister from her therapist. I may not have sustained physical bruises from him, but the emotional damage is very real. This is not meant to minimize anyone else's experience by any means, or even to compare them. After all it's impossible to really compare since I've only had my own experiences and not those of others. All I can say on the matter is that when one's parent's aren't all they're cracked up to be, it makes becoming an adult harder than one might like.

My family is just complicated in general, but to understand how my Christmas went, there is a lot of background that I must cover. I apologize for how dark this post in particular will be, but for me it's important so I hope you all can bear with me.

My father has OCD. By this I mean he is not just an overly cleanly person, he has actual diagnosed OCD. To demonstrate this fact I have some examples of things he has done that will help describe what this means for him and for me.

1) When I was very young he would have days where he would feel very anxious about all the perceived mess, and he would gather up all the toys belonging to my sister and I and throw them away. He even once threw away a painting I made for a school contest.

2) He has obsessions about the house being burnt down, so every time I use the space heater downstairs I have to turn it off, unplug it, and wrap the cord around the heater so it's easier for him to check it.

3) He has made me late driving me to school as an adolescent on numerous occasions because he spent so much time checking the house before we left.

I don't mean to shame or blame those with OCD. I know how difficult it can be as I sometimes fear I have it myself. I just say this because it is important in understanding my specific family dynamic.

So anyways, because of this there has always been a certain way that things are done in my family, and anyone who ruins the dynamic is accused of ruining everything or being a jerk or overemotional etc.

Going back to my dad being emotionally abusive, this has caused a lot of strain in our family. My dad doesn't really listen, and when one talks to him he just goes off about his own problems or concerns.

Also any time my sister or I was upset, he decided to just let my mom deal with it. Not to mention our emotions were always something to be dealt with or changed or shoved under the carpet. We were always being overly emotional and irrational, and any concerns we ever had were ignored and deemed as worthless.

It goes without saying that my dad doesn't have a good relationship with my sister or I, but as he is not aware that what he does is emotionally abusive, there's not a lot of hope for change. Whenever my sister or I want to talk, we go to our mother because she at least attempted to be there for us. Or course whenever I act dismissive towards my dad it's always my fault, and I'm always the one that has to apologize. It's like getting the ingredients in bread out on the counter and expecting it to become bread itself. In order to get something you have to put in the appropriate amount of time and effort, and without this you can't get the something you want.

Long story short, my sister has been living with PTSD for the majority of her life. So when my sister and dad got in a fight this year on Christmas, my sister finally snapped. She was tired of our dad treating us like crap and blaming us for not having a better relationship with him. She was tired of him ignoring us when we were upset, and as someone growing up with PTSD you can imagine she was upset a lot. Not to mention she had a fucking right to be upset, except for not in my family.

Basically when I'm home I feel like I have to tiptoe around my father as to try not to upset him. I feel like I'm parenting my own father and I hate it.

And so basically my sister finally told my dad about all these things, and now he's just been sulking. Like I get that it sucks to learn that as a parent you sucked, but sometimes shit isn't all about him. I feel like I need to play him the world's smallest violin.

But the worst part for me is that in all this it was all about how he was ineffective for her, and everything was about her. I don't in any way blame her for this because at least she understands my position, but it feels like every fucking time ever. My dad gets what he needs, my sister demands what she needs, my mom gives her two cents, and I'm ignored the whole time because I'm always a fucking afterthought.

I guess I'm just feeling pretty fucked up right now, and there's not a lot I can do about it till I get back to school. Like it's nice to have a break but I fucking hate being here because I always feel 200% more fucked up. But in college I feel lonely because I have no friends and I literally have no place to call home. And the only place that's ever felt like home has been soiled by the fact that all the fucked up shit happened to my sister here, and I feel like the worst person because I was expected to just shove everything away and at the time that place was heaven, but now I know that it was her hell which makes me feel like the worst sister ever.

Anyways, this holiday fucking sucks and I want to get out of here. I hate being here in this giant lonely house.

Also, I believe I just discovered that I am demiromantic

12/16/2015

Yesterday S came to visit which was nice. One of the things I like about S is that he's super accepting. Like for instance I grew out my armpit hair (because I like it) and he either didn't give a shit or didn't notice which was nice. A lot of boys would probably be icked out by that.

On a side note, I started using women's deodorant again and I'm definitely switching back to men's because that frilly shit doesn't stand a chance against my robust and anxious pits. Like seriously I could not even be wearing deodorant and I would accomplish the same affect.

But anyways, it was really nice to see S. He also thinks it's super cool that I'm getting a VCH piecing which is nice. I'm super excited for the con we're gonna go to together.

Tomorrow is the last final and then I get the fuck out of here which will be nice.

My roommate has a gamecube so I'm trying to finish Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask before the end of the school year and I really need to get a move on on that. I'm not sure if I'm even halfway through Ocarina of Time yet (and it's surprisingly hard). They say however that Majora's Mask is the hardest Zelda game in the series so I'm kind of nervous for that.

Anyways, I better figure out how to proceed in Ocarina of time.

12/9/2015

Today has felt excessively long. I would be looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend, but unfortunately I already agreed to hang out with D on Friday. This isn't altogether bad per say, but it does mean that I'll probably have no time to rest until... whenever the hell I can rest. I still have a ton to do, and everyone wants me to hang out with them too, and I would appreciate it except I don't think people realize that they're just causing me more work and trouble. Like I say "gosh I'm so stressed and busy right now," and their response is "we should hang out." I'm sure they mean well, but hanging out really is not my idea of a day off.

I feel like I've been more irritated lately and I'm not sure if it's a side affect of my medication. I'm just so grouchy all the time though. A stranger will look at me and my reaction in my head is "fuck off bitch." Not even if they look mean or anything. It doesn't even matter who it is, if someone so much as looks at me wrong I just want to... I'm not even sure... growl at them? Perhaps the meds are giving me extra energy and instead of converting it to nervous energy, it's converting it to RAGE!!!! But seriously, I'm worried that I'll piss off my friends by being a bitch because I FEEL ANGER AT THE SLIGHTEST THING AND IT'S NUTS I JUST WANNA THROW SHIT.

It is however entirely possible that this recent grouchyness is caused by lack of sleep, food, and coping skills. It is almost finals after all.

In other news, I am currently waiting for the bus. I don't want to go out there and have to be in the cold for too long so I'm sort of stalling. Plus I'm already cold and I don't fancy being even more cold.

Speaking of things that PISS ME THE HELL OFF, something happened to my watch and now it beeps at me on the hour every hour. This by itself is annoying, but I worry that it will happen during a test and I'll get in awful trouble and they'll fail me and throw out my test and everything will be terrible. Now I know this kind of thinking is a bit ridiculous, but hey that's me. I'm ridiculous.

Anyways, I better get to the bus stop. I bid you adieu.

12/9/2015

I've been thinking about it a lot and I think I'm going to switch to a different therapist next semester. I honestly think I've stayed with her this long just because I worry that it will make her feel bad if I switch. I mean, it isn't as if she's a bad person or anything, I'm just not sure we really click. Of course with a new one there's always the fear that this new person won't click either. Plus, starting with a new therapist sucks because you essentially have to start all over with building trust and all that.

Lately I've been a bit more irritable and it occurred to me that it might be a side affect of my anxiety medication. On one hand side affects kind of freak me out, but after being on a medication that practically did nothing, it's nice to know it's at least doing SOMETHING. Not sure if that something is positive yet, but at least it's not just a waste of energy.

Which reminds me, I have an appointment with my doctor this Friday and I need to remember to ask her about getting a prescription for nuva rings. I'm on them right now, but it was the sample she gave me a few months ago, which means I'm going to run out soon. There are a lot of benefits about the nuva ring which is awesome, but it does make things a tiny bit awkward. Since it's literally a ring in my vagina, anyone I have sex with will probably feel it. This in itself isn't awful, but since I have a hard time communicating things in general, it kind of ruins the mood for me to be wondering when they'll ask me or if they feel it. It just causes me anxiety, which ruins the mood, and then as a good partner should they ask what's the matter and then I can't tell them and then I just internally explode and it's awful.

On another note, D doesn't know that I have my nipples pieced which will be interesting or something. He was actually really expecting me to have my belly button pierced which was rather curious. It makes me want to pierce my belly button actually. Honestly I just want to pierce everything.

That's another thing, I really want to get a VCH piercing and as it stands I'll probably end up getting it during the break, meaning that I'll have to be all "I got a new piercing" or whatever. It's not that bad when I just write it down but I worry what he'll think. See, this is why it's so much easier to not be in a relationship because I can just do whatever and I don't have to worry about anyone else's opinion on my body choices. When one starts a relationship they sort of take the other person's body at face value and accept it for what it is, but if you're in a relationship where you're having sex all the time and they're familiar with your body then you have to worry about if they'll accept your body changes or what have you. I like companionship but I HATE worrying about all that bullshit. It's so much easier to just not and be by oneself I find. I mean then I'm lonely, but at least being lonely isn't scary.

I think R kind of fucked me up though. No fucking wonder I was getting panic attacks around him all the time, every fucking day was just another day where I wondered what the hell he was going to say. One day he wants to date me, the next day he wants to be friends, the next day we shouldn't have sex anymore, the next day we're soul mates, the day after that we shouldn't see each other anymore etc etc. One can imagine how anxiety provoking this could be.

It reminds me of when I really wanted to go to my college's queer prom with R, and when I first asked he said he was all for it. Then all of a sudden he had made plans with someone else that day but "oh I can tell it's important to you so I'll reschedule." This was all honkey dory until it's three hours till it starts and he 'doesn't like dancing and doesn't want to go.' If he didn't want to go in the first place that's fine, but I wish he would have just said that instead if having me go to all the trouble of finding us a ride and all that bullshit. Not to mention he got me all excited to go and let me down.

That boy has let me down so many times I can't even count and I wish I could just say I'm over it but I still miss it which makes me SO ANGRY. And it's not even that I miss R, it's that I miss what we had. He was someone I was really comfortable with, and I really cared about him. I just miss having someone to hold at night and someone who's hair I could play with etc.

The part that maddens me most though is that it feels like he's haunting me. The other night when I was laying in D's bed, I just felt so sad and angry. I felt angry because D's touch just reminded me so much of R, and I wanted to kick myself for even thinking that or longing for him. I think it's because it was distinctly romantic. It feels a lot different than with S because with S, we're just friends and the touch is void of romanticism or subtlety. This is not to say that we don't care about each other, it just means that we care about each other as friends care for their friends. D however is very romantic with his touch, so much so that I sometimes just want to cry because I hate it. I hate the resemblance it bears to R's touch. I hate it so much I can hardly stand it.

After R and I were officially done I felt as though I had been completely violated from the inside out. Like everything I had felt, and everything he had said was a lie and I was some big dumb jackass. I felt as though I didn't even own my body anymore, and I couldn't even stand looking at myself. It disgusted me. It still disgusts me. I wish I were a lizard so I could just shed off my disgusting; infected skin. That way I could have brand new, untouched, never violated, clean skin.

Anyway, I'm a piece of shit and I'm procrastinating so I better go.

Also, I decided that when I remember I will post a selfie of me when I post something.

12/6/2015

As a first post I assume that I should talk about myself. I am a woman with a vagina. I am pansexual and anxiety ridden. I have struggled with depression and self harm, and family trauma. I have also been in various emotionally abusive romantic relationships, and I somehow find that my love life is always complicated. I'm in college studying art and I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, but at least my new major doesn't make me feel like a complete failure.

I decided to start writing this diary/journal because I often loose my paper ones. Plus I sort of enjoy being a small anonymous presence on the internet. It makes me feel like I'll leave something behind, or rather that there's proof of my existence.

As of recently I started on a new anxiety medication. My medication makes me slightly angry because I know that the reason I started taking it in the first place is because R (a boy I was in dating limbo with for far too long because he was using me as an emotional crutch) made me believe I needed it. He made me feel like my anxiety was totally out of control, and around him it kind of was.

Around him I felt like I was broken and wrong and needed fixing, and thus I started anxiety medication. He actually told me once that he would date me again if I got my anxiety under control which makes me so angry when I think about it. There were so many times that I should have given him the boot, and I kick myself for all the times I didn't. When I finally couldn't take it anymore I told him "fuck you."

Later he said that he was sorry we left it that way, but honestly I'm not sorry at all. During our entire relationship he told me I should stand up more for myself, but I realize that he only meant when it was convenient for him. I couldn't be further from sorry to be honest. That final "fuck you" encompassed every single negative feeling he made me feel, and all those times I tried my hardest to make him happy.

During our relationship he always came first, his needs were always more important and mine never mattered. A few weeks ago he actually called me to "apologize". I know that what he really wanted was to be absolved from guilt; he wanted to be able to say he was sorry and that all the shitty things he did didn't matter anymore. I actually told him that and he didn't deny it. It was all about him, it was always all about him to the very bitter end. I feel like I should be so utterly angry at him and I am, but even more I'm probably angry at myself for allowing it to happen.

Yesterday I went to a holiday party with D. D is a boy I met in my digital media class (which by the way I have a brutal hatred of the span of satan who teaches that class). He is a rather attractive smaller boy. I wasn't really sure what to expect from the party because I wasn't entirely sure if D liked me or not yet. Well after we both had some drinks and fun and shared lots of chats we ended up going back to his place. We kissed and talked a lot and I was expecting us to have sex but we ended up only doing a little bit of sexy times and then cuddling and talking lots more. It was actually super nice and I felt really listened to and accepted.

Of course these things always come with some amount of complication. At present I already have a sex friend; S. He's fun and we hang out but I'm pretty sure it's relatively void of romance. I don't mind our relationship but I also would like something romantic, but I'm not sure if they would both be okay with me doing stuff with both of them. Plus I was planning on going to a convention with S, and on valentines day no less. I'm not sure exactly what to do but nothing is set in stone yet.

Not to mention J really wants to date me and I honestly find him kind of clingy and annoying. Plus I met him online which is sort of weird. Plus I just didn't get the vibe that we'd really go well together you know?

Going back to my medication, it gives me super vivid dreams. And a lot of them too. Sometimes they're kind of interesting but it's also a little distressing. Since they feel so real, I get a little disoriented in the morning and have a hard time distinguishing what exactly is real. Not to mention that sometimes I'll remember something but not know if it was from a dream or real life.

I also feel like my memory has always been awful, but has been getting even worse as I get older. If I were 40 years old this would make sense, but I'm only 20. If my memory is this bad at 20, at 40 I'll be near loosing my mind I fear. I try to stay lighthearted about it but it honestly really scares me.