Lately I've been a bit more irritable and it occurred to me that it might be a side affect of my anxiety medication. On one hand side affects kind of freak me out, but after being on a medication that practically did nothing, it's nice to know it's at least doing SOMETHING. Not sure if that something is positive yet, but at least it's not just a waste of energy.
Which reminds me, I have an appointment with my doctor this Friday and I need to remember to ask her about getting a prescription for nuva rings. I'm on them right now, but it was the sample she gave me a few months ago, which means I'm going to run out soon. There are a lot of benefits about the nuva ring which is awesome, but it does make things a tiny bit awkward. Since it's literally a ring in my vagina, anyone I have sex with will probably feel it. This in itself isn't awful, but since I have a hard time communicating things in general, it kind of ruins the mood for me to be wondering when they'll ask me or if they feel it. It just causes me anxiety, which ruins the mood, and then as a good partner should they ask what's the matter and then I can't tell them and then I just internally explode and it's awful.
On another note, D doesn't know that I have my nipples pieced which will be interesting or something. He was actually really expecting me to have my belly button pierced which was rather curious. It makes me want to pierce my belly button actually. Honestly I just want to pierce everything.
That's another thing, I really want to get a VCH piercing and as it stands I'll probably end up getting it during the break, meaning that I'll have to be all "I got a new piercing" or whatever. It's not that bad when I just write it down but I worry what he'll think. See, this is why it's so much easier to not be in a relationship because I can just do whatever and I don't have to worry about anyone else's opinion on my body choices. When one starts a relationship they sort of take the other person's body at face value and accept it for what it is, but if you're in a relationship where you're having sex all the time and they're familiar with your body then you have to worry about if they'll accept your body changes or what have you. I like companionship but I HATE worrying about all that bullshit. It's so much easier to just not and be by oneself I find. I mean then I'm lonely, but at least being lonely isn't scary.
I think R kind of fucked me up though. No fucking wonder I was getting panic attacks around him all the time, every fucking day was just another day where I wondered what the hell he was going to say. One day he wants to date me, the next day he wants to be friends, the next day we shouldn't have sex anymore, the next day we're soul mates, the day after that we shouldn't see each other anymore etc etc. One can imagine how anxiety provoking this could be.
It reminds me of when I really wanted to go to my college's queer prom with R, and when I first asked he said he was all for it. Then all of a sudden he had made plans with someone else that day but "oh I can tell it's important to you so I'll reschedule." This was all honkey dory until it's three hours till it starts and he 'doesn't like dancing and doesn't want to go.' If he didn't want to go in the first place that's fine, but I wish he would have just said that instead if having me go to all the trouble of finding us a ride and all that bullshit. Not to mention he got me all excited to go and let me down.
That boy has let me down so many times I can't even count and I wish I could just say I'm over it but I still miss it which makes me SO ANGRY. And it's not even that I miss R, it's that I miss what we had. He was someone I was really comfortable with, and I really cared about him. I just miss having someone to hold at night and someone who's hair I could play with etc.
The part that maddens me most though is that it feels like he's haunting me. The other night when I was laying in D's bed, I just felt so sad and angry. I felt angry because D's touch just reminded me so much of R, and I wanted to kick myself for even thinking that or longing for him. I think it's because it was distinctly romantic. It feels a lot different than with S because with S, we're just friends and the touch is void of romanticism or subtlety. This is not to say that we don't care about each other, it just means that we care about each other as friends care for their friends. D however is very romantic with his touch, so much so that I sometimes just want to cry because I hate it. I hate the resemblance it bears to R's touch. I hate it so much I can hardly stand it.After R and I were officially done I felt as though I had been completely violated from the inside out. Like everything I had felt, and everything he had said was a lie and I was some big dumb jackass. I felt as though I didn't even own my body anymore, and I couldn't even stand looking at myself. It disgusted me. It still disgusts me. I wish I were a lizard so I could just shed off my disgusting; infected skin. That way I could have brand new, untouched, never violated, clean skin.
Anyway, I'm a piece of shit and I'm procrastinating so I better go.
Also, I decided that when I remember I will post a selfie of me when I post something.
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